Grieving the relationships, I once had

Hey Faithers, Happy Wednesday! I hope you have been resting and checking in with yourself this September! How is September going for you?

As I write this Wednesday to you, I am sitting here reflecting on the relationships I used to have. Last week, I wrote to you about how I no longer desire the love and companionship I once wanted. You could not tell me that I was not going to be married with kids and be right beside my man. But today, I don't even desire that no more! Check out last week's blog if you want to see my reflection. But today, I am reflecting. I am reflecting on all the relationships I used to have. Since I started my healing journey challenge, I have noticed that I am no longer the person who reaches out first. I used to be the one to reach out via text or call and tell people I was checking in, and they were on my heart. But today, I don't text first. I barely comment on people's status. I do not have the capacity anymore. Through this journey, I have learned that I have always felt obligated to go above and beyond because I wanted to prove my worthiness. I wanted you to see how dope of a person I am so that I would do any and everything. I was showing up, babysitting, and giving my last. One day, I had a therapist challenge me. She said, "Why do you give money away? What is the reason behind that?" She challenged me that I lacked boundaries. For some reason, I was suffering trying to make everyone else happy. I was trying to prove myself when no one asked or even cared. As I went on this journey and invested in therapy, the scales on my eyes came off. I started to realize my place in people's life. I realized I was their cheerleader, but I was never considered. People would say I was too busy, or they knew I would say no, or they wouldn't even think of me. In theory, this is fine, but from my perspective, I felt I was good enough to support you but not good enough to know you personally. I realized I saw red flags and thought it was a carnival. While ignoring the red flags, the only thing I was accomplishing was hurting myself. I had to take a step back and learn my place. This came with a time to live with me and understand myself. I miss that innocent girl who loved people and was not scared to love people. Where I used to be the friend to schedule and make way for people, I am no longer that person. I have been heartbroken enough by people who ghosted me, took months to reach out or respond, people to who I would show up nonstop, and whenever I needed them, there was nothing. I got tired of reaching out and being rejected. Everyone is going through something. Life is life. But when I see people celebrating everyone else and not me, I realize they were not my people. These folks were not my village. That is perfectly fine, but I will embrace my village.

I will no longer beg for anyone to be here. I will no longer try to prove myself. I am grieving the relationships I once had because we shared precious moments and experiences. But with healing, learning, setting, and sticking to boundaries, I have learned myself, discovered my support system, and embraced that. I miss that young, loving girl, but I also love this new boundary-setting woman. With all this being said, I encourage you to look around and evaluate how you feel and the people around you. It is okay if relationships have shifted and your visions and support look different! It may be uncomfortable, but it is worth your healing. I love you, but I want you to love me the way you love the world.

LeLe,

Your Self-Love Advocate