Grieving the love I once wanted

There was a time when all I wanted in life was a husband and to be a mother. I mean, you couldn't tell me that I wouldn't be a wife. I used to try to do different things. I tried to experience life. I traveled. I even moved out of my hometown. When I moved, many people told me; God is telling me you're gonna meet your person here. I went to Mexico for a work trip, and people told me God told me you're going to meet your person here. While in Cabo, one of my friends would try to isolate me, get me to be by myself, and put me around single men. Not one wink, hi, or nothing. At the end of the trip, she said, "I see what you mean. No one approaches you. I wonder why. You're beautiful. Your aura is beautiful. I don't get it." I just looked at her and said, "tell me about it." Some reasons were that my brother was around, and most people associate males and females together as husband and wife. But outside of that, I would walk around by myself, isolate myself and even try to start a conversation to get nothing.

I've always been told my time is coming. Be patient. But being patient doesn't mean being stagnant. At some point, I felt stagnant in life. My therapist would ask me, "do you love yourself?" I would answer with a face of confusion because, at this point in my life, I am more in love with myself than I ever thought was possible. But she asked because, typically speaking, you attract who you are. I was never convinced of that, but that's a different topic. But as I started this healing challenge, I started to reflect on myself. I started to ask myself why I really wanted love. The honest answer? Because that's what society told me to do. Society told me as a woman, that's what I'm supposed to do. I grew up in a family where women had men, but the men did nothing. The woman was doing everything. I've always wanted a different kind of relationship. I wanted my man to have his life and do his thing. I support him, and he supports me, and we pick each other up when we can and have to. Most of my relationships were me holding up the relationship very much so, like my mom, aunt, sister, and many women in my family. There was a point where this family literally had minimal boys. I wonder why? Then, I'm the only single and childless friend in my friend group for the most part. I've been blessed to see healthy relationships and love through my friends. But I have to be honest. Before I recognized this revelation, I started to look at relationships I would see throughout the day. I started listening to moms be open about their experiences. (Which I am thoroughly happy that people are speaking their truth) but I was not sold on being a mom and being in a relationship. Partly because I have no options, and the other part, it just doesn't look fun anymore. Everything looks like a trauma bond. I don't wanna settle with someone because the sex is good or because of time and comfort. But I want a healed bond. I don't want to have a kid because I think God blessed me with a child when it was me being reckless. The people you're around can literally make or break you. I want to be protective of who I am around. So, I have all these reflections and heard the Lauren London interview with Angie Martinez on IRL Podcast. And Lauren says that most relationships are ego-driven. This sent me into a rabbit hole because I've taken a deeper understanding of the ego. And when she explained it, it made so much more sense. Most people are in relationships for themselves and to feel good or, like I said previously, because they feel that's what they're supposed to be doing. But here I am, on this Earth, thoroughly believing my calling to show people empathy, give them a safe space to grieve and encourage them to truly love themselves. I can not be in an ego-driven relationship which is why none of my relationships have worked. No man has ever looked at me and said, "wow. That's the women God has been molding for this cause." Nope, most men have looked at me and said," wow! If I can pull that (me). I can have x,y, and z. I've never had women love and cater to me like she does. If I'm with her, I can get x,y,z." Which left me broken, unworthy, and with low self-esteem. While on the healing journey, I've realized most people don't know how to be alone. I can sit in my home in complete darkness with nothing going on and thoroughly enjoy who I am. I can hang out with myself and love myself. I am a vibe. As I thought of this series, I realized I miss this young and hopeless romantic LeLe. She was so innocent. I grieve her! She was so fun, and I wish I could hug her and guide her. Young LeLe just wanted love, to be happy, and to have her partner in crime by her side. Young LeLe had no clue that this world would tear her up, eat her, and spit her out. She wasn't prepared or ready. I've done all the love workshops, read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, and did anything related to love. But it all came down to me. I often believe things don't work out because I'm not ready. Love is no different. I'm not saying I'm against love. I'm just saying it's not a top priority like it once was. I've had to relearn myself. Love is beautiful. I love love. But now, romantic love is not what I'm yearning for as I once was. Instead, I am searching within. I want to make sure I am in love with myself and learning who I am without the expectations of society, my parents, the generational curses, and all the systems that force me into things that are made up. I believe my time will come. I believe I have to heal younger LeLe. I love and miss her and me, and she has to get some things straight. But until then, I am here to say I am grieving the love I once wanted and the young person in this cold world who just knew she was meant to be someone's wife!

I love you; I want you to love you the way you love the world.

Your self-love advocate,

LeLe