Grieving the person who used to want to be heard

Hey Faithers, Happy Wednesday! In today's blog post, I am writing to you about the young person I am healing who did not feel enough. As I walk through this healing journey, I am grieving the person I used to be because she was fearless. While she was brave, she had no boundaries. There was a lot of pain that resided in my mind. She needed to be healed. This healing journey has been incredible in healing her. But if you have been reading the blogs, you will know that we have been writing about grieving the old self. There once was a time when I wanted to be heard. I want everyone to listen to me and hear me. For so much of my life, I have always felt like people have dismissed or gaslighted me. I would want to express myself and be shut down. I would like to speak and be made to feel like I was not good enough. As a healing adult, I still joke with my close friends that no one listens to me. But there is always truth in a little joke, and Little Lisa still struggles with not feeling heard. This has caused me to check my ego. In therapy and in daily life, I check in with myself to check the ego at the door. My therapist brought up that Little Lisa still needs encouragement and needs to heal. As I have continued on this journey, I have changed a lot. I no longer desire to be heard the way I used to. Young Lisa wanted to be right all the time. Little Lisa needed to be heard to prove she was worthy enough to listen. Little Lisa had to have insight into everything. She needed to prove herself to the people around her. There were insecurities that Little Lisa struggled with, such as worthiness, intelligence, and self-esteem. Little Lisa knew from a young age that she was a leader, but she had no idea how to handle that or what to do with that. That Lisa was so fearless for putting herself out there even when she did not know the outcome. Today Lisa looks back at her and hugs her. Little Lisa did not know how brave she was. However, today as I check myself and shut down my ego, I no longer desire to be heard. Yes, I blog and podcast and even created a whole organization, but I created all this because it is what Little Lisa needed. I have reached a point where I no longer want to do anything for anyone else, but I want to be known as the lady who turned grief into her purpose and created the life she needed. Many people talk about the dash/hyphen between their birthdate and death date being something like leaving an impact on this world. But for me, my biggest impact is learning to love myself and learning to do things my parents and grandparents, and other family members could never fathom. While I know I have a voice, and I know I have a gift, my goal is no longer to convince people that I am worthy enough to be heard. I am now healing younger Lisa and becoming okay with my voice not being the main voice being heard. I hope you know that you are worthy if you're reading this! Your voice matters! You are heard! I love you, but I want you to love you the way you love the world. 

LeLe,

Your Self-Love Advocate